Hahahahaha – I knew I could get your attention by saying Drinking and Ninja. Here is an article that lists 5 ways to drink undetected.
It’s no secret, ninjas are stealthy assholes. If only drinking copious vodka tonics in light of your nephews baptism were that easy. Listen to your Sensei young grasshopper, you have much to learn in the art of concealment.
There are rare occurrences that call for concealed drinking – Easter Sunday, high school football games, and your boss’s daughters graduation. Crashing through Aunt Fran’s glass coffee table after 3 bottles of Merlot screams “Merry Christmas a-holes, enjoy the fruitcake!” While this move is classy – Aunt Fran is getting sick of buying coffee tables.
You need to be taught in the arts of stealth drinking. The art of disappearing in a smoke cloud of undetected drunkenness. Here are five ways to booze undetected like a ninja assassin:
1. Drink Clear Liquor aka Vodka
Ahhhhh vodka, the undetectable nectar of the gods. Clear, potent, and nearly odorless unless your boss is a German Shepard. Well, critics claim vodka is odorless, but I’ve tasted pure rubbing alcohol and it smells similar to Bellows Vodka.
Stick to top shelf slipped into fruit juice or soda. Remember, if you don’t smell like booze, you probably haven’t been boozing. Tell your wife “Honey, how can I be drunk, when I don’t smell drunk?” Your faulty logic will keep her guessing, similar to throwing an assailant off your path. Well played ninja…
2. Soda Cup 2×4 Trick
Hit the g-station for a 44 oz soda cup and a Busch Light Tall Boy. Lodge the tall boy into the 44oz cup and surround with ice. Next, run the straw through through the lid into the 2×4. Last, discretely enjoy your “44oz soda” while screaming obscenities during your son’s soccer game. The soda camouflage trick is a highly regarded martial art only attempted by masters, tread wisely.
Side Note: Calling your 8yr old son’s soccer team a “bunch of pussies” is distasteful unless your drunk. Attempt to finish five “44oz sodas” before screaming obscenities at children.
3. Airplane Bottles: They Travel Well
What’s more indiscreet than mini bottles that fit into your pocket? Airplane bottles were made for ninjas. In the blink of an eye, you can whip up a cocktail and quickly destroy the evidence. “Nothing to see here, just you not having a clue I’m drinking.” Any drunken monkey should conceal 3-4 airplane bottles on person – think of them as throwing stars!
4. No Car – Will Drink
Around the holidays and family it’s always wise to have a friend pick you up. If your family knows your leaving, and think you might drive, they will monitor your drinking.
Launch a preemptive strike before your first cocktail. Tell them your going out later, and someone else is driving. They will relax leaving you hours to pre-game before going out.
5. The Shot Houdini
While at a bar, find a special someone from your group. They are your designated shot houdini.
Like any good ninja, you can houdini at the blink of an eye. Take your shot partner and go round for round throughout the entire night. There is power in numbers, and having a partner doubles your fun. The rest of the group will have no idea how you got wasted…well done.
WARNING: Never take shots by yourself, that just makes you look like a drunk…